Thursday, 18 February 2016

Roaccutane update: month one

Week one

Within two days of starting the medication my skin really calmed down, which to be honest I think was down to the steroids rather than the Roaccutane. The awful skin I’d been dealing with made way for small breakouts on my chin and right cheek, but despite having lots of smaller breakouts it was better than what I had on my face over Christmas. After one full week of taking the Roaccutane and three steroid tablets a day my chin felt like it was on fire.

Week two

Week two saw my dose of steroids drop to two tablets a day and my chin area pretty much exploding, it was incredibly painful and covered in lots of small under the skin spots. Some would come up to a head and I’d generally wake up to around two new whiteheads each morning (sorry guys, didn't say this was going to make pretty reading but may as well be truthful). I'm not sure if it was a knock on from the medication or from how upsetting I found this initial breakout, but I spent the week exhausted and overly emotional. The area where my original cyst was became really red and this area spread out along my jaw.

Week three

Week three was a mixed bag, whilst my chin was really red and inflamed the pain had subsided. I dropped to one steroid a day, which was scary as these were what was originally keeping my skin under control. I experienced fewer whiteheads but still lots of under the skin spots, my skin definitely looked worse with make up on but I wanted to hide the redness when I was out.

Week four

Week four meant stopping the steroids, I took my last one on the Tuesday and hoped for the best. On my first steroid-less day I woke up with my skin looking a little better, it was definitely smoother in places. However, the area where I'd experienced the worst of my Christmas breakout was starting to flare up again. It looked like a cyst was brewing under the surface, it was tight and I was very aware of it when I moved my mouth. By the end of the day it had thankfully eased off but not after some absolute grossness I had to deal with in work, I'll spare you the details.

I've got a long, long way to go. From reading the experiences of other people it seems like the first month of Roaccutane is the worst for an initial breakout, so I'm currently living in hope that from now on things will get better. I've had my first dermatology appointment, the consultant agreed that my skin is looking better than the last time he saw me. He's prescribed three months of 20mg tablets to be taken once a day as he thinks that increasing the dose will cause my skin to flare up even more. My next follow up is in two months time when I'm hoping I can go to the appointment without make up but we'll see if that's a bit far fetched.

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Thursday, 4 February 2016

Roaccutane Update: the initial breakout

I hadn't intended on doing an interim update on how I'm getting on with my treatment, my plan with blogging the process was to update on a monthly basis on how I've been getting on that month. However, I felt compelled to update on my experience with the dreaded initial breakout or purge that people who take this drug talk about.

As of yesterday I'm three weeks into my treatment and it hasn't been plain sailing. The first time I took Roaccutane I didn't experience a purge, this time I think my skin is making up for it. Despite the breakout that prompted my dermatologist to put me on the drug calming down within days (probably due to the steroids) going into week two my chin exploded. It was incredibly painful and covered in lots of under the skin spots, I was waking up with fresh spots coming up every morning.

The middle of week three saw me head off to do my first aid refresher course on what I believed to be the worst day of this initial breakout. There’s nothing like being in a room with a bunch of strangers having to perform CPR on a dummy with the fear of a) having to put my chin close to the dummy and potentially knocking my skin, which would be painful, along with the risk of my make up rubbing off and b) knowing the dummy had been rubbed down with a wipe that probably wouldn't do my skin much good was genuinely awful.

Following the CPR practice we had to buddy up and perform the recovery position on each other, it was at this point that I honestly felt like walking out of the training. When you’re experiencing such bad skin as I am you don’t even want to go out in public, let alone have a total stranger look down on your face from above. I felt low, really, really low. It was this week that I also started developing slightly larger under the skin spots as well as the smaller ones. My bottom lip also really dried out, I’m currently rotating three different lip balms, I'm planning on doing a post on what products I've been using so I'll save the detail for that.

Day 19 was a stand-out day. I was spending the weekend in Bristol and as soon as I woke up I knew things were bad without needing to look in the mirror. It was probably the lowest point in my treatment so far. After getting out of bed and looking at myself in the mirror I just wanted to get in my car and drive home to hide away in my house. Instead, I went down to the kitchen and cried.

That episode has really made me think about how acne affects me:

I walk with my head down in public and sometimes in work when I'm having a bad day

I try to avoid looking people in the eye

I've been putting off getting my hair coloured for a month - I'm finally doing it on Saturday but I'm honestly dreading it, two hours looking at myself in the mirror won't be easy

The feeling of wanting to call into work sick because I'm having a particularly bad day has happened twice, and on both ocassions I've forced myself to go in

Bright light is now the enemy

The wind causes my skin to sting

I'm hyper-sensitive to my hair brushing against my chin

I feel like people are looking at me and wondering if I have some weird skin disease (which I guess technically I do)

I obsess over the state of other people's skin and feel jealous of people with smooth skin, my skin hasn't been smooth since November

Telling myself that this will all be over soon is pretty much the only thing getting me through it, it's not been an easy few weeks and at the moment it doesn't seem like it's going to get better any time soon. I have weekends away coming up and I would so love to have cleared up by then, the almost constant obsessing over my skin is wearing thin.

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Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Back on Roaccutane

Back in 2009 I was prescribed Roaccutane (Isotretinoin) for a few months due to a diagnosis of cystic acne. I didn't complete the course (complete the course people!) but my skin was crystal clear, allowing me to go out without make up. I endured incredibly dry skin, my skin peeled pretty much everywhere including the palms of my hands, my lips were in an awful state from being so dry and somewhat scarily my cholesterol raised.

For those of you who haven't come across Roaccutane (I'm going to use the brand name rather than actual name throughout my blog as it's the one people recognise the most), it's used to treat cystic/nodular acne that won't respond to other treatment such as creams or antibiotics. It's a type of retinoid and works by lowering the amount of sebum you produce, if your body produces too much it can cause acne. Roaccutane isn't something to start using lightly, it's a pretty hard core medication. It will kick your arse while you're on it unless you're one of the incredibly lucky people who don't suffer from any side effects from it. 

Some of the most common side effects are joint pain, eye redness, nosebleeds, extremely dry lips and dry skin. One of the most well known, but rare, side effects of this drug is a change to mental health. It's safe to say that Roaccutane is a controversial drug due to the incidence of depression and suicide. 

I've been lucky to see a dermatologist privately after a proper beast of a cyst popped up on my face last September/October (I ended up naming him Mr Lumpy) following months of antibiotics - don't do it kids, GPs are great but for goodness sake see a dermatologist - and the cyst not shifting I went to an appointment where it was injected with steroids there and then. All was going well until December when my skin lost the plot, Christmas was a particular low point for me. I was at the start of a new relationship and already having to walk around the house with no make up on just to give my skin a break, I think it's fair to say I've found a goodun with the support he's given me. Last night I went for a second check up on the cyst but as soon as my dermatologist saw me he declared my skin "out of control" and immediately suggested steroids and Roaccutane. 

For the last week my skin had completely lost it, my chin and jaw have been completely covered in cysts with some coming out. It was a whole world of pain, to an extent that it has been waking me up at night and early in the morning, I've been popping painkillers at an alarming rate just to be able to eat and talk. 

With a private prescription in hand I was ordered to the local university hospital pharmacy to get the medication right away this morning. After an hour wait I came away with a month's worth of Roaccutane as well as steroids as my dermatologist had explained that if I went straight on the Roaccutane on it's own my skin would get worse as it's so active, so I have three weeks of a decreasing dose of steroids to take as well.

I have no doubt that the next six months are going to be difficult at times, especially when the side effects kick in, but I know I can get through it and in the end it'll be worth it. The last few weeks I've struggled to leave the house, I've not wanted to look at people in the eye and honestly, when it's painful to eat you know you've had enough.

My plan is to update this every month, I'm going to take a photo with no make up on once a week so I can document the progress I'm making. I've not decided if I'll share these photos yet but hopefully I'll be a place where I feel confident enough to do that at some point.

My next appointment is in a month, I'll be going to the hospital fasted in order to have the first lot of bloods taken so they can keep an eye on my liver function. After that I'm off to West Wales for the weekend so at least I'll have that to take my mind off the blood test (I'm pretty rubbish with them).

Hopefully 2016 will be the year I finally clear my skin.

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Wednesday, 6 January 2016

A new year

Top L-R 2010 - 2012
Bottom L-R 2013 - today

It was staff photo day today, the first time since I've been blonde that I've managed to have a new photo taken. Staff photo day always makes me look back at past photos of me, tonight I put together a collage of photos taken every year from 2010 until today.

This has made me realise how much I prefer how I look and feel as a person now. I don't know if it's the experiences I've been through or turning 30 last year but I'm finally comfortable in my own skin, I like who I am as a person and I'm ok with how I look. 

If the last year has taught me anything it's that you really do need to like yourself to get any sense of contentment with life. 2015 was a mixed bag, it started off ok, veered into pretty good during April, crashed around my ears between the end of May and pretty much all through the summer. To be honest most of the time after June (apart from my 30th birthday) is a bit of a blur, nothing particularly good or bad happened, life just continued. My best friend got married in July, I was bridesmaid and had a ball. I adopted a dog in August but was forced to re-home him in October due to issues at home. November and December were the stand out months for me. Awesome things (ok, one thing) happened in my personal life which made me very happy despite going through some fairly rubbish health issues that I'm still dealing with. 

I wasn't planning on doing a goal setting post, I don't make resolutions because I know I'd never keep them and I also don't buy into the whole changing who I am on the strike of midnight going into a new year, but I'm already making changes. I've entered two 10k runs later in the year, I'm signed up to an indoor climbing course and I know I'll be seeing more of the outdoors this year which I'm really excited about. In December I made the decision (which was helped by my father) to keep my house, it's not something I'll go into all that much here for the next few months, but knowing that I'll be here for maybe another two years feels like a weight off my shoulders. I've got an ever growing list of things that need doing around the house and in the garden, I'm very excited to get started.

I'm hoping to up my travel this year, with some ideas brewing already. Weekends in West Wales and London are booked and plans for later in the year hopefully will come off. 

All in all 2016 is looking promising.

Happy new year.

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Wednesday, 4 November 2015

BBQ Pulled Pork

Last week I was looking for the best pulled pork recipe out there but had no luck in finding one, so I decided to wing it and man was I glad. I somehow managed to create a stonking rub for the meat, I'll have no need to look elsewhere for a recipe as this is now my go to.


Pork shoulder (with or without the bone)

30g paprika
2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
1 tablespoon caster sugar
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 teaspoon garlic granules
1 teaspoon cayenne

240ml water
240ml cider vinegar

BBQ sauce (I use Newman's Own)


Mix the dry ingredients together.

Rub all over the pork making sure to get into any crevices in the meat.

Pour the water and vinegar into a slow cooker.

Place the pork into the slow cooker.

Cook for eight hours on low.

Once done remove the meat to a cutting board, drain off around 240ml of fluid from the cooker and set aside. 

Pull/fork apart the meat and put back into the cooker, pour in the fluid as well as as much BBQ sauce as you like to taste.

Serve in your favourite way, in a bun, in tacos or quesadillas, sweet potato or my current favourite: on top of mac n cheese (recipe coming soon).

Disclaimer: terrible photos thanks to using my phone, these dark evenings are a nightmare for blog photo taking.

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Saturday, 3 October 2015

The downside of living alone

Yesterday I was reminded that living alone can be scary as well as awesome (need I remind you that living alone means you get to wander around in your underwear?)

As I was getting ready for work I pulled a muscle in my upper back, which then went into spasm. Not to sound too dramatic, but it was the worst pain I've felt in my life. Give me my tattoo over that any day of the week. I stood frozen to the spot in my bedroom whimpering through the pain and not sure whether I should move or not, only when I was about to faint did I move towards the edge of my bed in order to sit down. I figured that if I did faint at least I'd have less distance to fall.

The first thing I did was text two colleagues to tell them I wouldn't be in work, and then I called my mum crying in pain and through being afraid. I was afraid, at that point I didn't know what was wrong with me. I suffer from health anxiety so I automatically jump to the 'it's cancer' 'I've broken my back' 'I'm dead' mentality. Thinking back on it, I'm not sure why I thought contacting work was more of a priority than contacting help but there we go.

My mum called for an emergency doctor's appointment for me, they wanted to call an ambulance because I couldn't breathe properly but thankfully she said no (being admitted to hospital is a major fear of mine).

The problem was that my bedroom is on the top floor of my house (a townhouse) and even though my parents have a key to my house, I'd put the chain across the night before. This meant an agonising journey downstairs to take the chain off. I'm not sure how I did it, but doing it almost made me faint again. By that point I'd realised that standing was less painful than sitting so I stood in my living room, sobbing, until my dad arrived.

I'm incredibly lucky to have family who are only 15-20 minutes away, but days like yesterday remind me of just how scary living alone can be with no one immediately available to help me if things go wrong.

For those wondering, the doctor told me that I'm holding a lot of tension in my back which caused me to pull a muscle which then spasmed. I'm drugged up to the eyeballs and unable to move far from the sofa or drive for a few days. I need to learn some stress busting techniques I think!

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Monday, 24 August 2015

Having a type

You know how some people say they don’t have a type, but deep down you know they do. I’m one of those people. I swear blind that I don’t have a type but I do. That said, I keep an open mind when it comes to who I’ll date. 

I also have a list of things I’m theoretically looking for in someone and recently I’ve discovered that it doesn’t matter how many ticks I can give a person, if the chemistry isn’t there then it isn’t there. Back in March I started dating someone who I would go on to date for about three months, out of all the things on my list he ticked maybe two things but I liked him. I really liked him. From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew I wanted a second, third, fourth date...but things didn’t work out. We were in different places, he wasn't ready for a relationship (we'll skip over the part where he told me initially that a relationship was what he wanted - a post about listening to your gut it a whole other thing) whereas that's what I wanted. Casual dating isn't for me, I thought I could do it with him but seeing someone once a week when you like them isn't enough for me. 

I was asked recently if I’d date him again if he got his act together (not the person’s exact words) and I gave the answer of “Yes” straight away with no hesitation. I weirdly feel like I'm letting the sisterhood down in admitting this, how sad to be so into a guy that just isn't that into you. We’ve all probably got that one person we’d happily date again though, right? I wouldn't want him to know this, it feels like it would do his ego a world of good but it does nothing for me other than making me feel crap when I think about it. 

At the beginning of August I went on a lovely date with a guy who had more ticks on the list than the last guy, with pretty much all of them ticked. Good looking, well educated, good job, non smoker etc. But after the date I knew I didn’t want to see him again, the chemistry wasn’t there for me. This probably wasn't helped by me thinking about my first date with the last guy mid way through the date with this guy. I feel terrible that I even did that, it wasn't fair on him. The last guy I dated has set the bar as to the feelings I want on a first date, the feelings of being completely comfortable, of wanting to lean across and kiss them, the feeling of the first kiss. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing I’m not sure but I’m not willing to compromise on the feelings I know I can get from a great first date.

Dating is (once again) taking the back seat for me. Maybe a life of lots of greyhounds is my future instead.

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