Tuesday, 5 November 2013

The end

How to start what is potentially the most sensitive things I've ever written on my blog?

I could start off with a quote found on Pinterest.

Will that do? Perhaps not.

The fact is, the horrible, painful fact is that I have separated from my husband. Actually, that's not totally accurate. My husband has separated from me. 

It has been 43 days since we separated. I thought I was leaving for one night to give him some space, then I decided that a week would be better. After one day he realised that actually, he had made up his mind. I was told two days later, he told me without looking at me and without any emotion in his voice. He didn't want to work at our marriage. He wanted to split up.

There were tears. There was anger on my part that night.

There was rage, a hell of a lot of rage three days after that. That's when I really knew our marriage was over, granted him spitting that our marriage was dead at me made it kinda obvious. My husband as I knew him was gone. 

He is now a stranger to me.

The man I married two years and 11 months ago is gone. I do not know the person he is now.

I do not love the person he is now. I have mourned what we have, although finding out that he had doubts about our marriage almost immediately after we married has made me not mourn our relationship quite so much as it feels like our relationship was a sham. He was faking it. The anniversary cards I've found from him where he has professed his love for me, his excitement of what was to come, him thanking me for being patient with him (something he said all through our marriage, which now seems like an odd thing to say) now seem laughable. Painfully laughable.

I have not spoken to or seen him in about three weeks. I have gone 'no contact' and it is suiting me, this approach has given me a chance to heal and to look back and reflect on our relationship. I think I may even be at the stage where I think this is the right thing. Towards the end of our marriage he treated me like shit, he was never abusive or nasty but he gave me hope. He was cruel without intending to be so. I had hope that he still loved me and he wanted to make our marriage work. 

He had already checked out of our relationship.

He has a new best friend. God, I fucking hate her. So much. 

At some point he'll go back home and I'll never have anything to do with him again. A month ago just thinking this would cause physical pain, my heart would ache, I would sob. It felt like I'd been told he was going to die. It's like he is. But now? I'll be glad when he's gone. My heart won't have to leap everytime I see a black clio, I won't have to worry about bumping into him in town and so on. He'll be out of the country, back to a country he loved more than me.

My friends, family and colleagues have been my rock. If any of you are reading this, I love you. My friends have been endlessly supportive, allowing me to rant at them, to melt down via text or on facebook. My family have taken me in and wrapped me up in love. My dad has cried more in the last 43 days than he did when his dad died two years ago, that fact alone is heartbreaking. My colleagues have been fantastic, the whole department deserves an award of some sort for just how flexible they've been towards me whether it's been my line manager looking at me in shock repeating "The bastard! The bastard!" at me or being told to come and go in work as I needed to at the beginning. They have my back and for that I am grateful.

The main reason I've put off writing all of this is because I want to change the name of my blog. My blog name comes from the shoes I wore on my wedding day, not entirely appropriate now! I have a name in mind for it, I'm not 100% convinced by it and need some sort of sounding board but I have no idea who to ask for advice from. I have scouted around for blog designers and I think I've found someone, but if you can recommend me someone please do.

There we go. The truth is out there. This has been cathartic to write if I'm honest, I thought I'd find it far harder to tell you all that my marriage was over but this has poured out of me. 

I think I'll end this as I started.

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