Sunday, 9 February 2014

Four months on

Image from Pinterest


It's been just over four months since my world came crashing down around me. I'm still alive, although four months ago I wouldn't have believed it. I thought the pain in my heart would have caused me to die, some days it felt preferable to the prolonged agony that was waking up each day to find out that the nightmare was in fact reality. Thankfully, those dark thoughts subsided and I was able to smile and laugh again.

December was always going to be a difficult month, it would have been my third anniversary at the beginning of the month, not to mention everyone is so geared up for Christmas. I will fully admit to not looking forward to Christmas, cosy couples everywhere, people partying and celebrating life? No thanks. That wasn't for me. I wanted December to come and go as quickly as possible. I dreaded Christmas day, I was afraid that I would wake up already crying and that I would spoil the day for my family. As it happened, I didn't wake up crying. I woke up in a surprisingly good mood, I only had one moment of not being quite myself - at lunch as I sat with my family, just the four of us for the first time since I was a child, and I couldn't quite believe that it was Christmas day. 

January was a very good month, my thoughts hardly touched upon my ex-husband, I went out with friends a lot, I laughed, I danced, I enjoyed life. I started a new job and thought more of the future. It wasn't until this month that a cloud descended on me again, keeping me awake long into the night despite being agonisingly tired, filling my dreams when I did sleep with thoughts I had kept at bay for weeks and waking me with his image already burning into my mind's eye, wondering what he was doing, who he was doing it with, was he thinking of me, when would he go home so I wouldn't have to live in fear of bumping into him? Horrid, tiresome thoughts that caused me heartache. 

I know that this will pass. I know that eventually, although I don't know how long it will take, I will be ok. The time between the highs and lows will grow increasingly longer until one day I'll realise that it's been a year since my last low point. I yearn for another month of not thinking about him and what my life may have been. I know that I deserve so much more in a partner, but I know it will be difficult to give myself up to someone next time because I will be afraid of rejection and hurt again. From reading other blogs and websites of other women in similar situations it would seem that I'm not alone in thinking as I do, from which I take a little comfort. Although it's sad to know that other people have shared the same pain as me (which I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy, should I have one), it's good to see that they have come out on the other side and in some cases have gone on to marry again and even have families. 

In the mean time, I'm left to weather the stormy seas that trouble me. The dark thoughts that swim around in my head, the ones that make my stomach lurch with fear, that make me feel physically ill, they have made a home for themselves for a little longer. The difference in me after four months however, means that I can banish them and think of positive things a lot easier than before. Each day I wake up is another day that I have survived, another day that I have become stronger, another day to be thankful for what I do have in my life rather than mourning what I used to have. It's a long slog, and sometimes I can't believe that four months have gone by, but if four months ago you had told me that I could have a smile on my face again I would never have believed you. I'm looking forward to calmer seas ahead. 

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4 comments

  1. My thoughts are with you xXx

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    1. I don't know who you are, but thank you. x

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  2. You just have to keep taking each day as it comes, eventually you'll get there.
    One of the women I work with is going through the same thing, it has been almost a year and the Divorce is nearly through, she is finally starting to get back to her old self.
    xx

    Leanne - A Slice of My Life

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    1. You're right, it's the best way to approach these things I think. x

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