Friday, 27 February 2015

Quitting



At the beginning of last month I wrote about how I'd got on after three months of online dating. I was ready to quit it all as I was fed up with it, but after reading some truly lovely messages from you guys I decided to try tinder. I did it on the spur of the moment one night, mainly out of curiosity to see if it's really possible to find a relationship that way. I knew it was possible for some people, my brother met his current girlfriend on there, but would it be possible for me?

Well, today I deleted the app.

Before you all cheer, it's not because I've found myself in a relationship but more because I just need a break from the whole thing. In the month that I was using tinder I went on one date, it was a good date, the guy was very gentlemanly and we chatted away until it became apparent that we were one of only two tables left in the place and the staff were wanting to shut up. It was that kind of date. However, the guy was pretty hopeless at keeping in touch and despite two sketchy plans to have a second date it never happened. I didn't bother replying to his last text because by then I was fed up.

Dating, in my experience, has been hard work. All those online conversations which all resemble pretty much the same thing:

  • What job do you do?
  • What do you do for fun?

Maybe you like the sound of each other enough to swap numbers or maybe it just fizzles out. Once a date has been set that's when my nerves set in, on the day of a date I get really nervous. I think I've managed to work out why, and weirdly it's not the conversation (I've discovered that despite not enjoying small talk, I can politely chat with someone for long enough to say that I at least attempted to see how the date would go all the while knowing I wanted to leg it) but it's about the guy being what I imagine and the potential for the let down of them not matching the image in my head. It's also of me not liking them and knowing that if I don't there won't be a second date so the cycle begins again.

I can't date multiple guys at one time, that's something I've discovered about myself over the last few months. To be honest this is something I would have said before I started dating, I'm just not programmed that way. I like giving someone my attention without others competing for it.

This takes me back to tinder, last week I managed to make a friend on it, which I'm pretty sure isn't the purpose of the app but sometimes it just seems right. Granted, he's a friend who is aware that I find him attractive and him me, but friends is what we are. The whole time I've been dating I've been discussing it with two of my closest friends, both are loved up and happily don't have to play the dating game. I've lost track of the amount of times that I've complained that what I really want is a friend who turns out to be something more, unfortunately that hasn't been the way it's gone for me as I don't really have that many male friends.

Today, whilst on my lunch break I decided to delete tinder. It was gone within seconds. So five guys and one friend later, I'm out of the dating game for a while. The timing suits me, domestically things (that I'm not going into here) look like they're about to change and that could keep me occupied.

I still want a relationship (why does it feel so lame to admit that?), I want those evenings cuddled up on the sofa watching Netflix, those silly texts that make you smile, the kissing (man, I miss the kissing) and the hand holding. But for now, those things will have to wait.


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Sunday, 22 February 2015

Ready for somewhere warm


Maybe it's got something to do with the rain we're experiencing today but I'm craving being somewhere warm. I love winter. I love bundling up in layers and getting outside only to come back in to get comfortable in front of the fire with a big mug of tea, gradually dozing off, utterly and completely content with the world.

Not today.

Today I want to have my most complicated decision be what bikini to wear under my dress.

Today I want to be stood on a beach, with salt having set my hair into waves, staring out to the sea. Take me to any beach, literally any beach – somewhere tropical, somewhere freezing cold in South Wales – and I'll do the same thing. Stare out to sea.

I'm not sure what I think about, perhaps I don't think. I'm able to just be. I struggle to converse with people I'm with when there's all that water to look at. It's almost as if I look hard enough I'll see across the water to the next land mass.

I want to do that today but a cold beach in South Wales won't do. I want the warmth of the sun beating down on my back, I want to be wearing sunglasses and factor 30.

How I wish I was brave enough to travel alone. There are so many amazing examples of women my age just going. They want to go and they do! Why can't I be that brave? Maybe it's one of the issues of having an over active mind (perhaps that's why I love being by the sea, my mind is finally quiet). I worry about getting lost, getting mugged, getting...hurt if I went away alone. Anxiety, you're a bitch. But also, standing somewhere amazing and being able to turn to someone and just smile at them because this is amazing! Look at that view! Sharing the experience with someone is what it's about for me. Going home and reminiscing about the experience is part of what makes travelling so great.

I looked at prices to fly to Bali this morning. It's cheap enough that I could just go now. But I won't. Not alone.

I annoy myself sometimes.

Instead I'll look out of the window as the rain hits it and dream of warm beaches and floating in the sea.

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