Wednesday, 24 June 2015

What I'm thankful for #14

I’ve not done one of these posts in…too long. It’s not because I’ve not needed to, I definitely have, it’s more than life got in the way of blogging for a while. I’m never going to be one of those bloggers who writes every day for a number of reasons that include me being lazy, not being willing to make the time, and wondering who on earth really has something of quality to say every day.

For the last two months life has not been easy, not for any major reasons, I've just struggled to pull myself out of whatever funk it is that I've been in. I can pinpoint when it started and I'm almost certain I know the reasons why it started. It’s a combination of moving into this house, boy stuff, being about to turn 30 and work stuff all happening when I started a new bc pill that completely screwed me over for the first week, and two months on I'm hopefully coming out of it. Logically I can run through everything in my head and know that everything is fine, but my emotions are harder to keep quiet. Things with the house are fine, I have plans with it that will hopefully allow me to sell it at some point this year (please) so I can move back to Cardiff. Things with the boy are…well, there aren’t things any more. I’m back facing the prospect of those dreaded first dates again after dating someone who I felt totally comfortable with and really enjoyed spending time with, but when something isn’t right, it isn’t right. I’m 30 the first weekend of July. Life absolutely isn’t how I thought it would be at this stage and I’m coming to terms with that slowly, I’m actually surprised by how much turning 30 is upsetting me but there’s nothing I can do about it so I’m trying to be positive as much as I can. Things with work are actually fine, I started a new job in the same department in April and I’m still getting to grips with it. There are things I miss about my old job, but in today’s climate a half decent paying job surrounded by people I like makes me very lucky. For my second appraisal in a row the topic of me doing a masters has come up, it would take me two years of part time study alongside a full time job to do it. The money is there for me to do it, but honestly? I’m not sure I’m actually clever enough. I’ve said that to two people who both enthused that I definitely am, but I genuinely don’t think I am and the thought of flunking out or failing a masters is scary. I have until the end of summer to apply.

Knowing what has caused the funk helps, at least I’m not grasping at straws, tearfully trying to work out why it feels like I’m going mad. I still have days when I feel like just not existing, the weekend just gone was particularly awful but on Monday evening the fog lifted and I felt like myself. I went to bed feeling positively perky, I had the best night’s sleep that I’ve had in two months (not waking up at 5am is always good) and actually managed to be productive in work rather than wanting to curl up and hide under my desk. Hopefully this will be the start of me getting completely out of this cloud I’ve been under, this isn’t me. Whilst I joke that I’m a cynic at heart, I’m actually a positive person. I’m usually the one helping friends when they feel down, having the tables turned on me has been pretty damn scary at times and I suppose that’s why posts like these are helpful. We need to remind ourselves of how good things can be, of what we have in life, no matter how small, to be thankful for. These are the things I’m thankful for.

My wonderful, wonderful parents
Having two amazing best friends
Security at work
Opportunities to meet people and experience things that have made my life richer
Sunny days so I can sit in my garden
Having a garden to sit in

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Living alone

At the beginning of May I started living alone. I took the step to move back into my old house, the house that I had avoided for around 18 months, in the town that I had avoided for 12 months post split. Last September I saw a counsellor for a few sessions (yes, I'm happy talking openly about it, maybe if more people did that it wouldn't be so weird talking about it. If you need help, seek it out) who set me the task of at first just driving to Caerphilly mountain and sitting on top of it, that then progressed to going to the garden centre for a wander around before driving home. I did those things over two weekends, on the second weekend I drove home through the town centre and sobbed the entire way. I felt like I was going 'home' and my ex was waiting for me there. It felt like a normal day out until I realised that no, I'm divorced (at twenty-fucking-nine) and I wasn't going there, I was going back to my parent's house.

In March I had a conversation with someone and something they said purely as a passing comment pushed me into visiting my house. Not just driving through Caerphilly but driving to my house and going in it, walking around and making plans to move back in.

I'm fast approaching 30, I was living at home and paying a mortgage on an empty house because I couldn't sell it. It seemed like the right thing to do. So how am I finding it?

The first weekend was great, mainly because it was novel and I had people stay on the Saturday and Sunday nights. The following week was still good because I was unpacking and making it a home again but then things started going a bit downhill. It was nothing to do with the house, this house is great, it's nothing to do with memories as to be honest I don't think about the house it used to be, but it was more to do with being alone. Completely alone. Getting home from work and there being no one to talk to about how my day had gone, no one there on a Sunday morning to bring me a cup of tea in bed or for me to make lunch for. The silence of getting home to an empty house, it's a silence I don't like so either music or the TV is constantly on.

Steadily I'm getting used to living alone, I've been making mental lists about the pros and cons of it.

It can be lonely
When you're not feeling well there's no one to get you painkillers or a hot water bottle
Every bump or noise in the night is someone breaking in
There's no one else to blame for the mess in the kitchen
You worry you're going to become a mad cat lady despite not having a cat, although I've been adopted by the one next door
Cooking for one is a nightmare
The bills are yours and yours alone, as is the rent/mortgage

You can decorate exactly how you want, I've gone for lots of pinks and greys
No one is around to see you slob out eating a whole pack of chocolate digestives
You can leave the bedroom door open when you're getting dressed
Likewise, want to shower with the bathroom door open? Go for it
You get to enjoy peace and quiet
Walking around in your underwear never gets old
Making as much mess as you want

There's one more on the pro list than the con, I'm pretty sure a few weeks ago that wouldn't have happened. You get to know yourself when you're alone, I've discovered that I'm more inclined to be around people than I thought. I've also realised, once again, that living outside of Cardiff isn't for me. My house is still for sale and as soon as it's sold I'm heading straight back to the city. This isn't where I thought I'd be at nearly 30, but it's not that bad really.

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