Sunday, 7 June 2015

Living alone

At the beginning of May I started living alone. I took the step to move back into my old house, the house that I had avoided for around 18 months, in the town that I had avoided for 12 months post split. Last September I saw a counsellor for a few sessions (yes, I'm happy talking openly about it, maybe if more people did that it wouldn't be so weird talking about it. If you need help, seek it out) who set me the task of at first just driving to Caerphilly mountain and sitting on top of it, that then progressed to going to the garden centre for a wander around before driving home. I did those things over two weekends, on the second weekend I drove home through the town centre and sobbed the entire way. I felt like I was going 'home' and my ex was waiting for me there. It felt like a normal day out until I realised that no, I'm divorced (at twenty-fucking-nine) and I wasn't going there, I was going back to my parent's house.

In March I had a conversation with someone and something they said purely as a passing comment pushed me into visiting my house. Not just driving through Caerphilly but driving to my house and going in it, walking around and making plans to move back in.

I'm fast approaching 30, I was living at home and paying a mortgage on an empty house because I couldn't sell it. It seemed like the right thing to do. So how am I finding it?

The first weekend was great, mainly because it was novel and I had people stay on the Saturday and Sunday nights. The following week was still good because I was unpacking and making it a home again but then things started going a bit downhill. It was nothing to do with the house, this house is great, it's nothing to do with memories as to be honest I don't think about the house it used to be, but it was more to do with being alone. Completely alone. Getting home from work and there being no one to talk to about how my day had gone, no one there on a Sunday morning to bring me a cup of tea in bed or for me to make lunch for. The silence of getting home to an empty house, it's a silence I don't like so either music or the TV is constantly on.

Steadily I'm getting used to living alone, I've been making mental lists about the pros and cons of it.

It can be lonely
When you're not feeling well there's no one to get you painkillers or a hot water bottle
Every bump or noise in the night is someone breaking in
There's no one else to blame for the mess in the kitchen
You worry you're going to become a mad cat lady despite not having a cat, although I've been adopted by the one next door
Cooking for one is a nightmare
The bills are yours and yours alone, as is the rent/mortgage

You can decorate exactly how you want, I've gone for lots of pinks and greys
No one is around to see you slob out eating a whole pack of chocolate digestives
You can leave the bedroom door open when you're getting dressed
Likewise, want to shower with the bathroom door open? Go for it
You get to enjoy peace and quiet
Walking around in your underwear never gets old
Making as much mess as you want

There's one more on the pro list than the con, I'm pretty sure a few weeks ago that wouldn't have happened. You get to know yourself when you're alone, I've discovered that I'm more inclined to be around people than I thought. I've also realised, once again, that living outside of Cardiff isn't for me. My house is still for sale and as soon as it's sold I'm heading straight back to the city. This isn't where I thought I'd be at nearly 30, but it's not that bad really.



  1. Well done you for going back (I don't mean that in a patronising way!) Hopefully things will get better, I guess it'll take some time to get used to it; I think I'd struggle to live totally alone too. I'm a fellow member of the (nearly) divorced at 29 club... Not how I thought my life would turn out but I think that's ok!

    Liz x
    Distract Me Now Please

  2. the thought of living alone scares me a little x


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