Wednesday, 24 June 2015

What I'm thankful for #14



I’ve not done one of these posts in…too long. It’s not because I’ve not needed to, I definitely have, it’s more than life got in the way of blogging for a while. I’m never going to be one of those bloggers who writes every day for a number of reasons that include me being lazy, not being willing to make the time, and wondering who on earth really has something of quality to say every day.

For the last two months life has not been easy, not for any major reasons, I've just struggled to pull myself out of whatever funk it is that I've been in. I can pinpoint when it started and I'm almost certain I know the reasons why it started. It’s a combination of moving into this house, boy stuff, being about to turn 30 and work stuff all happening when I started a new bc pill that completely screwed me over for the first week, and two months on I'm hopefully coming out of it. Logically I can run through everything in my head and know that everything is fine, but my emotions are harder to keep quiet. Things with the house are fine, I have plans with it that will hopefully allow me to sell it at some point this year (please) so I can move back to Cardiff. Things with the boy are…well, there aren’t things any more. I’m back facing the prospect of those dreaded first dates again after dating someone who I felt totally comfortable with and really enjoyed spending time with, but when something isn’t right, it isn’t right. I’m 30 the first weekend of July. Life absolutely isn’t how I thought it would be at this stage and I’m coming to terms with that slowly, I’m actually surprised by how much turning 30 is upsetting me but there’s nothing I can do about it so I’m trying to be positive as much as I can. Things with work are actually fine, I started a new job in the same department in April and I’m still getting to grips with it. There are things I miss about my old job, but in today’s climate a half decent paying job surrounded by people I like makes me very lucky. For my second appraisal in a row the topic of me doing a masters has come up, it would take me two years of part time study alongside a full time job to do it. The money is there for me to do it, but honestly? I’m not sure I’m actually clever enough. I’ve said that to two people who both enthused that I definitely am, but I genuinely don’t think I am and the thought of flunking out or failing a masters is scary. I have until the end of summer to apply.

Knowing what has caused the funk helps, at least I’m not grasping at straws, tearfully trying to work out why it feels like I’m going mad. I still have days when I feel like just not existing, the weekend just gone was particularly awful but on Monday evening the fog lifted and I felt like myself. I went to bed feeling positively perky, I had the best night’s sleep that I’ve had in two months (not waking up at 5am is always good) and actually managed to be productive in work rather than wanting to curl up and hide under my desk. Hopefully this will be the start of me getting completely out of this cloud I’ve been under, this isn’t me. Whilst I joke that I’m a cynic at heart, I’m actually a positive person. I’m usually the one helping friends when they feel down, having the tables turned on me has been pretty damn scary at times and I suppose that’s why posts like these are helpful. We need to remind ourselves of how good things can be, of what we have in life, no matter how small, to be thankful for. These are the things I’m thankful for.

My wonderful, wonderful parents
Having two amazing best friends
Security at work
Opportunities to meet people and experience things that have made my life richer
Sunny days so I can sit in my garden
Having a garden to sit in
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1 comment

  1. Wow I practically could have written this post word for word! I'm also single and turning 30 next week and totally struggling with life not being what I thought it would be. A mixture of reading positive self development stuff, exercise, eating well, meditation, trying not to compare myself to others and be more kind to myself are the things that have helped me and I seem to have turned a corner. I hope you have too and your're still feeling positive! You should totally go for the masters if that's what you want to do! x

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